A brief word from the author before we dive in. These power rankings will be determined by the following factors, with the corresponding weights:

• How good their team is, today, November 8th, in the year of our lord 2023 (33.33%)
• How well-positioned they are to win the league, which strongly considers their record (33.33%)
• Do they have that certain indescribable “it” factor without which championships cannot be won? In other words, how are the vibes? (33.34%)

And without further ado, the Week 9 Heckin Fantasy power rankings.

1. Jahmyriad of Points
Record: 8-1

It truly does seem like the rich get richer. Less than 48 hours after winning his 8th game of the season and setting a weekly high score, Nate added a ton of horsepower to his offense in the form of a supercharged Kamara, and it's safe to say that this black-and-gold striped Bumblebee will be able to keep stinging over and over again. For those keeping track, this gives Nate the #2 QB, the #1 and #3 WRs, and the #5 and #13 RBs (with the important caveat that Kamara is #13 despite missing the first three games of the season). On top of that, although I'm sure we'll all miss the memes about Dan Campbell's physical inability to leave Jahmyr Gibbs on the field for consecutive offensive snaps, it does seem like the Lions have come to their senses and realized their offense is in fact better with him on the field. It's hard to see what could get in Nate's way the back half of the season - the knee injury to Jalen Hurts is something we all hope remains minor, and it's always possible Stefon Diggs yells at Josh Allen one too many times on the sideline, which could lose him some targets, but aside from those things and a mediocre starter at tight end, this is looking like an extremely complete fantasy team.

2. Breecetie Boys
Record: 5-4

Jonathan Taylor? BACK. Diontae Johnson? BACK. Ja'Marr Chase? BACK. Rhamondre Stevenson? BACK. All of these players, for varying reasons, went through early-season slumps or absences, but as they start to hit their stride, Paxton's team is looking stronger and stronger. Taylor and Chase may get the headlines, but worth noting that in 3 games back from injury, Diontae has averaged just over 13ppg and 9.7 targets per game. Perhaps there is some fantasy use to be had from the Steelers offense, after all… For Rhamondre, although the high rushing volume hasn't been there, he's had an impressive stretch in the passing game, averaging 4.25 catches per game the last 4 games after a 4 week stretch where he only caught 1.5 per game. This, combined with a very soft rest-of-season schedule for Stevenson, indicates he'll keep the momentum he's built the last few weeks. Although this team doesn't have the same kind of star power that Nate's does, there's depth top to bottom and the biggest challenge Paxton might face is setting his lineups as he has a number of very good starting options to choose from each week.

3. Oakford Lake Boys
Record: 7-2

There are a lot of things to be excited about on Alex's team, and it was a difficult decision to drop those Oakford Lake Boys down to #3 in the rankings. A consistently elite tight end, a starting lineup with the #4 WR, #11 WR, #7 RB, and #10 RB, and a bench that includes the #6 WR and #9 RB is nothing to sneeze at. Unfortunately, that #6 receiver hasn't been a reliable starter since week 5, and the QB-WR duo of Herbert and Allen have gone (relatively) cold after their Supa Hot starts. Another question mark is Gus, who has been performing extremely well, but with only 5 rushes and 18% of snaps played in Baltimore's most recent game, Alex is surely hoping this Edward S. doesn't fully disappear and seek asylum outside his starting lineup.

4. Thiel So Good
Record: 5-4

Despite the absolute insult it is to fantasy football players everywhere to have Najee Harris starting at RB in a 10-team league, it's hard to deny that Tim's team has found ways to establish itself as a strong one. Joe Burrow's early season haters (me) seem to have been proved wrong, and Travis Etienne is playing lights-out football while getting lots of volume in both the ground game and receiving game. The two other obvious bright spots are the fact that James Connor is coming off IR, and in other good news for Tim out of the Valley of the Sun, is that Kyler Murray's impending return will likely have a positive impact on the quality of targets Hollywood Brown will be receiving. On the flip side, the Devonta Smith trade was an interesting one due to Devonta's up-and-down performance week to week, so it'll be interesting to keep an eye on if Tim can successfully predict the right weeks to start him. Lastly, a major, major wild card to be on the lookout for - the NFL's premier love story could turn into a sweet nothing before we even make it back to December. If Tim isn't the lucky one, I could see his star player not being ready for it and losing all rapport with fifteen, but Tim could also be Mr. Perfectly Fine, if the man shakes it off and has an end to the season beyond Tim's wildest dreams.

5. J.Crew
Record: 5-4

Some major questions abound with Jacob's team - one of which being, is he too attached to current and formers Packers players? It still seems like a safe bet to count on a second-half-of-season resurgence from Davante Adams, but that bet has started to feel less safe after averaging barely over 5 points the last 5 weeks. Part of this is surely due to his own injury and an injury to Garoppolo, plus general organizational dysfunction, but the jury is still out on whether or not Aidan O'Connell will be the answer (actually, there's been a leak from the jury's chambers, and the verdict isn't looking good). Aside from Adams' disappointing season so far, the other major roster holes are entirely at runningback, as after Aaron Jones, 3 of Jacob's 4 other RBs are 42nd at the position or worse, and the 4th no longer has a starting role. On the plus side, Jacob is getting elite play from QB, WR1, and TE spots, so if he can find a way to shore up the RB position and if Davante is somehow rescued from the WR hell he's been living in, this could easily be a team that makes a deep playoff run.

6. ChristianMinecraftServer
Record: 5-4

Michael Pittman? Dawg. Joe Mixon - Dawg. Christian McCaffrey? He scored 4 touchdowns against Arizona - Dawg. Taysom Hill? He's a punt protector in my eyes but I guess he can run the ball - Dawg. The two primary (but still minor) issues that prevent this team from being in the top echelon of talent are a) the WR position - four guys who you can feel good or very good about starting (although it sickens me to include Courtland Sutton in even the first category) and b) the tight end position, as history has shown us that Taysom Hill's usage is extremely inconsistent and his points scored can rarely be predicted by his snap share in recent games. All told though, it's exciting to see the team in last place last year have a winning record through 9 games - that's an inspiring story if there ever was one.

7. DoorDash Franchise
Record: 3-6

As we all expected, Ethan has made some major changes to his team - the only surprise was how late in the season it took. The new-look Franchise likely does not have the firepower to dig out of the 3-6 hole that Ethan finds himself/has put himself in, but at this point in the season for a 3-6 team, the best that can be hoped for is finishing strong enough to put all conversations with the words “Ethan” and “punishment” in the same sentence to rest. Looking ahead a week or two, Ethan's starting lineup of CJ Stroud, Bijan Robinson, Devon Achane, DJ Moore (with a hopefully healthy Justin Fields), Michael Thomas, Kyle Pitts, and Tank Dell should be enough to win some games and if necessary, win early in the loser's bracket.

8. Cilence of Dee Lambs
Record: 4-5

It says a lot about how the season is going for Erik when it's a true statement that his two most reliable starters have been Free Agent (not waiver wire) pickups. In a frustrating repeat of last season, Erik was once again fooled by the Tee Higgins truthers, and the consequences of this are that Higgins has started 3 whole games for Erik this season despite being healthy in 7. Drake London - same story (Ethan has repeatedly resisted the temptation to overpay for him, and it's not for lack of trying on Erik's part). Now, there are certainly bright spots - this team has the TE4, the WR5 and WR15, and the RB8 and RB12 (in addition to Austin Ekeler being back fully healthy). Ultimately the main question for this team centers around whether or not the QB carousel will stop anytime soon. This analyst's unbiased belief is that this team is better than its record, in part due to facing the 2nd-hardest strength of schedule, and things may be starting to take shape for this franchise. Only time will tell, but in the meantime, Erik will be Googling “what is a speed run”.

9. AOC Feet Picks
Record: 2-7

A quick look at Stone's roster reminds me of one of the greatest albums of all time, and it's not because Stone has managed his team like an American idiot (he hasn't). Rather, his players have just underperformed so significantly since the first few weeks that Stone's team's road through this season looks like a boulevard of broken dreams. Pollard, Aiyuk, Ridley, and Lawrence seemed like all the right picks at the time. The main source of hope for Stone's team comes from the possibility that these players will start living up to their potential - it seems too late to make a playoff push, but it's certainly not too late to dodge the loser's bracket. Another light at the end of the tunnel is the return of Kyler Murray, but the diminutive QB's debut may turn out to be too little, too late.

10. The bottom feeders
Record: 1-8

To be totally fair to Perry, losing Nick Chubb was an almost insurmountable hole to climb out of. Has he attempted to do any climbing? Not that I can tell. But it's possible it wouldn't have made much difference. D.K. Metcalf has thrown more punches at DBs than he's scored touchdowns this season. James' Cooking has gone cold. David has had about as many moments to be proud of this season as the city did in 1965. And lastly, Perry gambled, doubled down, and lost big on the bet that the Packers offense would be mediocre or better. With all that said, it's likely that Perry's team will improve from where it's been the last few weeks - David Montgomery is getting healthy, and DeAndre Hopkins can only be helped by not being on the receiving end of targets from Ryan Tannehill. However, at 1-8, it seems like for The bottom feeders, it got late early. May be time to start thinking about those keepers.